you can sleep in your own bed tonight
sleep away a silent pain
that's screaming out my name
you can sleep in your own bed tonight
i hope for your sake you dont wake up
as broken as i am

for a lack of better
words to say
all i said was goodnight
once again
in self defense i wont sleep a wink
to prevent dreaming of you
-- the starting line; "A Goodnights Sleep"

i love Starting Line! i love them so much! that is all for now.. blog more later.. gathering my thoughts...

[edit] you guys ever get that feeling like you've been created into something you're not? i mean people often feel like they are misjudged in a negative way.. i mean let's face it people judge, and don't you dare say you dont' judge cuz EVERYBODY does it. i feel like you have to do it, and it comes naturally.. it's a matter of allowing your judgement about a person to be flexible enough for change, so that if it's something bad then maybe by getting to know that person they can change your mind, or even if they confirm what you thought of them.. i don't know.. i'm not here to complain and nag about people looking at me in a negative way, NOT AT ALL. i undertand nto everybody will see me through a positive light and i've fully accepted that.. but i don't know i guess i'm more pondering on the thought of someone's POSITiVE outlook on me.. sometimes i just feel like i'm put on this pedastol that i really shouldn't even be on.. and then in the end people are let down cuz i didn't live up to their expectations and who comes out the bad guy in this one folks? ME! i'm the bad guy, cuz i'm the one that sat there and disappointed someone.. i'm tired of being the bad guy.. so can someone be nice and be realistic on the person that i am. i'd rather be judged badly than be judged in a good way.. cuz atleast there's no disappointing the one that judged me badly.. but when you're judged in a good way there's no where else to go but down...

i refuse to be a burden on anyone.. it's just not my style. i can't help but apologize for being the person that i am. i don't know.. i just feel like i've become too difficult for people to handle at times, and i just want to apologize for that. like i've created this thing about myself that i truly believe in, and people around me are telling me otherwise but i'm too freakin' stubborn to listen.. and the sad part is no matter how much i want to change my outlook on myself.. it's pointless.. i really can't.. i try to be "positive" as people would say but dammit i just can't cuz i choose to be realistic.. i don't know why i feel this way.. i don't know all the events that lead up to me feeling so daym worthless.. yes worthless.. i'm sure it's a lot of things that come to the point where i'm at.. and i can't just pin point it to one situation.. gosh you don't know how much i want something to make me feel otherwise.. the sad thing is, even if somethign does come along my way i'm not sure if i'll be able to accept that.. i've gotten so accustomed to accepting my current situation and now i don't know how to snap myself out of it.. i want to get snapped out of it so badly.. and i'm sorry for all those people that have come across my life that have tried time and time again to make me feel like something only to get no results.. i wish icould have shown you results.. but i really do appreciate it.. i guess this is something i gotta realize on my own and no one can tell me otherwise.. i just gotta realize it on my own. [/edit]

How’s it feel to know now
whatcha think ‘bout that
you got me, now we can’t go back
you’ll never get me again
-- bowling for soup; "dance with with me"

gosh this week has been so tiring for some reason.. and i have ZERO tolerance for school.. and considering that much i have attended school everyday this week. quite pathetic i believe.. i was going to for go on attending school today, but i mean i was already awake so i can drop Eric off at school, so i mean the hardest part of getting to school is waking up, and once the hard part is done everything else is pretty much whatevers.. so i figure i'll just go. and then i get to school and literally EVERYONE freakin' decided not to go to class that day or something.. haha freakin' crap. so today i went to 2nd to 4rth period then i left to go home.. cuz i just wasn't feeling too great.. and when i got home i ate some food.. like a whole lot of it, too much food i think. too much food that dont' really go together that i started to feel sick. so i slept.. yep that's what i did when i got hom.. eat and sleep. niice huh? sweet deal i believe. anyways i didn't have a very good nap though cuz when i woke up it was like you still had that feeling like your nap wasn't quite done, but you just couldn't get back to sleep.. so i just got up and stuff and i had a headache that didn't make me feel too nice. hmm... some thoughts i feel i necessary to jot down..

hmm.. fudge, i hate this dependancy that i have. this dependancy that i have towards someone. it's really sort of pathetic really.. i don't know. ugh. i really hate this crap that i feel sometimes. this feeling that i just freakin' can't be enough. and i know it's a really pathetic loseriffic thing to feel.. but no matter how much i want to shake it off i can't. i really can't, and nothing in my life has proven otherwise that i am worth anything. fudge... especially when it comes to you. i hold on so tightly praying and hoping that the outcome this time around could be a little different than the last, and i know in the process of me holding on so tightly i'm probably hurting you and making things worse for you. it's just i guess for once, i want to feel worth it.. i mean come on don't i deserve to feel worth it? i guess i can't force the feeling.. and i definitely can't try and find that feeling in you, because i know in the process of me trying to find that comfort in you i'm going to wind up hurting you, and that's just not fair. i gotta face the fact that i am unhealthy for you. and realizing that now i need to do something about it. i just wish this was a different story. i wish i wasn't so broken. there has to be some changes made.. and i'm going to make them. i promise to be better for you. i don't want to be unhealthy for you anymore.. i promise i'll be better for you...

So it seems I pray only when I'm down.
Feeling wrong inside, I can't deny
the fact that I'm so torn up in my mind.
Knowing we exist from something so unknown.
Trying hard to live. I can't live on my own.
-- rufio; "we exist"

i haven't listened to rufio in awhile.. they were like one of the first bands i ever listened too... but anyways, hMm today was all right i guess.. freak i STiLL didn't get my car back from the daym place! i seriously want to sock that guy already! urgh! like i'm seriously annoyed already! ahhhh!!!!! i'm going crazy cuz i mean i guess it's the fact that he keeps saying its' ready and i'm all expecting it to be ready and then he'll just be like oh we need more time.. how freakin' unprofessional is that?! ugh i WiLL NEVER work with filipinos! filipinos are such laggers! but anywayyys.. hMm.. i went to school went to my classes.. ms. viezee is going to be gone this entire week! like i'm seriously shocked by that! cuz i mean this woman has taught at Hoover for like 41 years, and she's like RARELY absent.. she HATES being absent.. and she LOVES what she does.. so i'm a bit worried about her not being in class for a whole week.. i mean this lady is insane.. like she literally went to new orleans on friday and came back sunday night just so she's back in time for school.. so i don't know.. and people make jokes like, "she's dead!" and i'm just like duude that's not even close to being funny. but anyways.. i left school during lunch and i went out to lunch with rouhi.. we ate at jack in the crack.. and we were talking about a lot of different stuff.. and then i mentioned something, but i refused to continue and then since his ass drove there he refused to drive me back until i told him what it was.. and i mean i really didn't want to tell him, and i didn't think he was serious abou tnot driving me back cuz i had to get back for cheer.. but the bastard really didn't drive me back.. so i didn't get to do my cheerleading duties.. sorry guys it was nice talking to mr. loser rouhi though... he's hilarious.. read in between the lines hahah! best life! after that i just drove back home.. and ta da that was my day.. chilled out for a bit around the house.. and that was that..

i came home and my mom and her boyfriend were already at the house.. wow, that's actually the first time i referred to him as my mom's boyfriend.. hmm go figure.. it's a weird concept but hey, it happens. haha! but yeah some stuff at home aren't doing so swell... actually there's been a lot of stuff on my mind lately.. the usual things i suppose, and my usual thoughts.. thinking kills!

i notice i tend to eat A LOT more when i'm upset.. it's not a very good habit.. cuz then i mean once i grow up that will be like my escape.. and then i'll just blow up, and even if i do blow up it's like i can't stop, cuz then i'll be upset that i'm fat, and since i'm upset i'm just going to continue to eat.. and then eat and eat and eat.. i'm trying to cut down on some stuff though like junk food and all that nastiness.. but we'll see how that goes.. and i'm trying to start my pilates work out... i mean i have the darn DVDs and i mean i should just get into it again.. i swear i did that thing like 3 times since i got it, and i die! that thing is tough stuff... alrite well i'm gonna go.

i want my car back!!

It’s like pointing your finger to the moon. Don’t concentrate on the finger or you’ll miss all of its heavenly glory
-- Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon
Rel's favorite quote.


hmm... what to write about.. let's write about right now. hMmm my ass hurts like a mofo. i'll share the story later on WHY in my recap of the weeknd. but yeah currently i'm sitting here finished with my english homework (woo hoo!), talking to people online, sniffling away, and praying that i sneeze again, cuz i love sneezing at a time when your nose is all stuffed. it clears your nasal passages for a good 14 seconds.. and you appreciate breathing through your nose so much for those 14 seconds, and then those 14 seconds are taken away from you. i can probably get all philosophical about that subject.. but let's not right now. i don't really want to right now though.. but anyways let's move on and discuss the weekend..

saturday was a busy day for me.. i had Rel's funeral to go to, Montrose parade, then hang out withs ome friends after all of that. i went to Rel's funeral with my aunt and cousin.. i can say it was really nice, and he really deserved all of the things they did for him that day and all the things that were said. it was beautiful.. and it was perfect for Rel. the funeral lasted for like 4 hours.. but i mean it didnt' seem that long at all.. and i mean it started at like 1:30 and it ended at like 5. i had to mean everyone at school for the Montrose parade at like 4:30.. and i was late.. and plus i had to pick up Neha.. wow i was in such a hurry.. i even forgot my cheer briefs.. so i had to borrow my cousin's cheer briefs, and they were black. eek. felt awkward but hey wahtever it was night time anyway.. i bet no one even noticed... and they SHOULDN'T notice anyway.. cuz i mean hello why are they looking around that area in the first place?! geez.. but anyways, the Montrose parade didn't go so badly. neha and i weren't late.. we had to run a freakin' a marathon to get where we needed to go though.. good exercise though so it's all good. after the Montrose parade some of us on pep team went to tony roma's.. it was sooo yummy! it hit just the right spot. i loved it. freakin' i devoured that thing.. it was so good. and then afterwards went to a party with charles, freda, and ceej pretty interesting night.. i drove charle's car back since he was not the best condition to drive.. and then i drove myself home.. i didn't get my car back yet! =( sad.. supposed to be on tuesday.. mother freakin' crap laggers! gosh filipinos are so bad!! but yeah who cares.. as long as i get it soon! and tuesday was a lot sooner than before.. so anyways.. i guess that's progress..

currently i'm sitting here coughing and what not.. and i feel horrible cuz i feel woozy.. haha SOMEONE'S favorite word.. haha weirdo! but anyways.. yeah i'm sitting here feeling that way.. and i mean i really should get some sleep and go to bed.. but darn it.. i can't just yet. school tomorrow.. darn. and i mean i don't mind going to school at all, and i'm sure i can go to school.. i'm just not quite sure if driving is the best thing for me right now.. driving sucks when you're sick.. cuz all you wanna do is sleep, and we know the outcome of that already.. *boom*smash* so yeah no more of that.. anyways i'm gonna go now.. i have a fever now, and i should rest or something. most likely it will be the or something see ya.