motherf*ckin, f*ck, stupid f*ck! f*ckin' sh*t, f*ckin' f*cker!
-- me, last night. haha BEST LiFE!

hmm gotta say last night was great, this morning was horrible enough said about that..

i don't even know why i started this entry.. it feels like i can't even anything on here at this point. if i were to say it i'm just gonna come out like i'm some troubled unhappy person.. which just isn't the case. last night helped put a lot of stuff into perspective for me. no inhibitions. and i think i let out a lot of what i was feeling to someone that maybe saw me pretty one-sidedly. so i'm glad for that. i loved the randomness of the group last night, cuz i think it really gave us the opportunity to be more comfortable with one another, and see each other in a different perspective.. i loved last night for a lot of reasons.. main reason being it took me away.. even if right now i am back where i started from.. i have a different perspective on certain situations at this point.. things aren't easier, but a different perspective doesn't hurt at all.. i'm sad i that i couldn't go to the HOJ christmas party.. lack of a vehicle to get to gdale. my uncle borrowed my car so now i'm here in valencia stranded... and besides i'm in a bit of trouble with the momster so i don't think she would have let me go anyway.. so hmm what to do this christmas break?! hmm.. chill out at the house.. enjoy my 10am and 11am dawson's creek, take care of the young one.. clean house.. the usual stuff i suppose.. most importantly this vacation is a vacation from driving! come and visit me! cuz valencia is a really lonesome town.. but anyways i'm gonna go now.. cuz i have to be good. for those who want to take me up on my offer of visiting valencia.. hit the cell.

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I'm just a kid tonight
-- simple plan; "i'm just a kid"

hmm if i had to revise that song i'd say i WiSH i could be just a kid. i don't know how to handle things anymore.. i really believe i've grown up WAYYY too fast. i mean sometimes i wish i didn't know as much as i do.. sometimes i wish that my parents didn't tell me so much so that i may live a life that is so ignorant of situations that i can live life a lot more freely, but no that's not the case. i'm the ear my parents take comfort in, so i must be older. i can't be 18 years old... but instead i have to be 25 years old... i'm not allowed to act my age.. or that's what i feel. for so long i've been so aware of the situations i've been placed in, in my life. i mean at the age of 4 i've realized that my family situation really wasn't like any other.. and i already became aware of my surroundings.. people often tell me that i'm "wise" or have a lot of good advice or whatever.. and i always think i don't know maybe i guess cuz i've gone through alot.. but now that i think about it.. it's just not the case.. i don't think it's the matter of i've gone through a lot.. but people around me have gone through a lot.. and i've trained myself to learn from other people's mistakes so that i don't make the same mistakes as them.. but sometiimes i want to make those mistakes.. i'm so sick and tired of sittng here having no excuse to make those stupid "teenage" mistakes as everyone else, because "katrina is supposed to know better." and i know i can't make those mistakes cuz i don't really have an excuse.. cuz i do know better. or atleast i'm supposed to know better than to do those things.. and anytime i do make those mistakes it's all of a sudden 198219827 times worse than the person next to me that just did the same thing as me.. i mean wtfreak?! give a girl a break will ya?? sometimes i do want to act 18.. fudge i think maybe i even want to act 12.. instead of acting like i'm freakin' 30 years old! i believe my role in my family is to be this wall.. and EVERYTHiNG leans on that wall.. my parents lean on the wall.. my sister leans on the wall.. and whatever baggage or issues they have.. it gets leaned on the wall.. and the wall can do nothing but stand there.. and just take it all in.. it literally can't do anything but stand there.. it can't even move.. i've gotten so accustomed to just leaving situations that have become too much to handle when it comes to certain issues like boys and what not.. but with family i just can't do that.. i can't leave and be like screw you guys i'm leaving.. cuz they're family. it's like there's no escape... i can't just hide in my room and stay there.. cuz my walls don't drown out the noise from the outside.. i can't close my eyes and hope the next time i open my eyes it's gonna be better cuz it never is. i realize i've gone through the same things over and over in my life, and i'm mainly talking about family issues here. the other stuff outside of that is another story... i mean seriously.. what am i doing wrong that i must go over the same things over and over? i mean GOD must want me to learn something from this situation.. otherwise He wouldn't be putting me through the same things over and over... i've tried staying the whole way through and i figure, maybe that's what i'm doing wrong.. is it cuz i'm staying? maybe i'm supposed to leave?

for awhile now i've contemplated leaving CA after my two years at community college.. i figure i'll stay two more years than go to NYU for college.. i know nothing of what NYU can do for my career goals.. and the only reason why i want to go there as of this moment is the fact that it's 3,000 miles away from here.. that's a good enough excuse i think... but now i'm feeling like i need to get away sooner. like AFTER highschool sooner.. that's how soon. i have family that live in the east coast, and i figure i can tell my mom of my plans and tell her some story like, "i should live there for my 2 years at college before i transfer so that i get used to living in the surroundings before i totally dedicate myself to a school out there." i feel like anywhere i go is too close.. anywhere in California is too close. yes, and i've heard that, "why are you running away? don't run away from your problems. they're not gonna make it go away." speech.. oh BUT it will.. if i'm not here i can't be leaned on.. just to be away and ignorant of some of the things going on is all i ask for.. just to be a kid is all i ask for.. i want the ignorance of a child.. i want that, cuz FCK! i never had that... funny how people go to college to grow older and wiser.. while i use college as an excuse to take steps back into obtaining something i had when i was younger.. or supposed to have when i was younger... if i move away i can atleast get rid of the noise and actually seeing the situation around me.. i can fall into the "ignorance is bliss" of it all.. and maybe, finally, get away..

TODAY, wasn't my day... it really wasn't.. after watching Hoover's basketball game which i was very excited to watch.. everything just went downhill from there.. actually i already had a lot on my mind since before that.. but then afterwards just brought everything to reality.. i visited my dad talked to him about stuff.. and again i played my role of parent to my dad.. listened to his problems gave him advice... let him cry on my shoulder.. dont' get me wrong i don't mind him doing it.. i don't mind that being my role at all.. but it's so hard trying to stay the "strong one" to fit that role if deep inside you're not really feeling too strong yourself.. it's hard to keep standing when your knees want to give out and collapse too. i don't mind having to be the strong one.. i just wish i had someone to do it along with me.. i wish i had someone to be strong for me as well.. that's all i want.

and the thoughts end there at 2:32am. i edited.