You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.
-- Ray Bradbury, advice to writers

well hMm.. did i tell you guys i have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world! yeah well i do.. i came home today with a surprsie.. he bought me pickles! haha, i know you guys are thinking.. what the heck?! haha but i've been craving pickles for practically FOREVER! so again i say, i have the bestest boyfriend ever! =D well today i went to school. and mayn oh mayn.. i had three freakin' tests in my classes today! yep.. horrible mayn! this is what i get for being absent on a thursday, cuz friday there are usually a bunch of tests.. darn it.. what a day.. and then today we just did some cheer routines.. learned some new ones.. mayn i must look ridiculous doing some of those routines! haha i don't think my body wants to swerve that direction! hahha.. but it should be interesting when we put everything together.. good stuff.. and now i'm going on a "secret rendezvous" haha.. well not really.. basically hanging out with a friend, but we're not telling with who, or where.. we just wanna get away.. so we're gonna go and do that.. cuz i think at times.. you need to just get away and stuff.. and not tell people what the hell you're doing.. and then later maybe go out with franco and 'em i'm not really sure who "and them" is.. but hey.. yeah whatever.. i have to get out more... i'm starting to attach myself to my house wayy too much i think.. so yeah i'm gonna try and do that.. well hMmm.. i don't know what else to write about really.. i think i've been writing so much in this thingy like writing novels and stuff, that now it's just i have run out of things to say.. well i'm gonna go write a letter to a friend now.. so i think i'm gonna get going..

you were happy BEFORE him, who's to say happiness won't be found AFTER him.

R.i.P
Mr. Fred Rogers
"it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..."
you're cardigans will surely be missed...

You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you'll see
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done
my family
-- Pink; "Family Portrait"

hMm.. well i didn't attend school today.. there goes my streak, but no it wasn't cuz i didn't want to, it was cuz my mommy kept me up till 4am and what not just talking.. she couldn't sleep so she just sat up talking to me.. and since i didn't get much sleep since she went back to her bed at around 4am, she said she would excuse me from the next day.. and i tried to wake up and what not, but i just had the hugest headache ever in the world.. and my eyes felt too heavy for me to open.. so yeah i decided to take the momsters advice and stay home for the day.. well, anyways.. hMm did you guys know i live in two worlds... yeah well i do.. it's crazy huh? well let me tell you guys about these worlds of mine..

one world has my mommy in it.. and my role in that world is to be this comforter.. to be this shoulder to be leaned on.. my mommy always talks to me about my dad, and about so many other problems that she has.. and all of a sudden i no longer play the role of daughter anymore.. and i play a much bigger role.. and i have to suddenly become this adult that pays attention to her problems, and have no bias opinion.. and not have the opnions of a daughter anymore.. and in this world... i can never cry. i can never shed a tear, becuase i have to be strong in this world.. i have to be the support in this world, and if i cry, i'd be showing i'm weak, and i can't be weak in this world.. cuz my mom needs someone to be strong, cuz in this world.. she's being weak.. she comes into my room in the middle of the night in tears and talking to me, it isn't the other way around how it usually should be in many other people's lives. where you walk into your parents rooms cuz you had a bad dream or to make the problems go away.. nope in this world.. my mommy comes into my room when she has a bad dream or cannot sleep, and she comes to me when she wants the problems to go away.. in this world there is no such thing as me being a weak.. that is not an option..

the other world has my dad in it.. yep in this world i'm a bit more laid back.. but i have to pretend a lot more in this world.. cuz i have to smile more often.. and i have to pretend to not know a darn thing that's going on, because my dad likes to pretend that we don't know a darn thing that's going on.. i have to put a smile on my face, and pretend to be happy about the little things that my dad decides to do, becuase if i don't.. he'll know something is wrong, and thus making him uncomfortable.. and here i go again compromising what i'm feeling through out this whole ordeal.. cuz i can't feel what i wanna feel, cuz if i do my dad is gonna feel uncomfortable, and things are already uncomfortable for him, behind closed doors, and me showing him that i know, would let him feel uncomfort in public.. i smile a lot more often in this world, cuz i have to.. cuz i have to try and make him feel as comfortable as possible.. and i have to try and make the situation better for everyone... that's me, i have to pretend to be the superhero..

basically in both worlds that i find myself living i am hindered from feeling what i wanna feel, cuz i suddenly have to act like an adult. i can't cry when i want to, cuz crying isn't allowed in either worlds.. cuz crying means both people in both worlds would be left with disappointment.. and there's too much going on in both worlds that i don't wanna add on to more of the dramatics going on... it's not easy to sit there, and have to split myself between two people, between two different worlds.. it's not easy having to be someone to one person and a totally different person to another... but it has to be done. the two people that should be the adults in my life aren't.. i'm not writing this entry for people to feel sorry for me, or for people to feel that i have a troubled life.. no that's not the purpose of me writing this entry.. i have to let my thoughts out somewhere.. and here it is i am letting it out.. this is probably the only place other than within the walls of my room that i can let out what i really feel..

when i cry,
i can't make a noise,
cuz i'm afraid someone might hear me.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
-- someone

hMm.. so today i woke up, and went to school. woO hOo 7 straight school days i've been there! i'm getting good at this! well franny wasn't in class today, so i was actually able to listen to what the teacher was saying, and possibly even learn something.. so yeah that's cool.. well hMm watched the crucible again today in english.. gosh dang that girl in that movie is seriously pissing me off! but dang it's crazy how that story works, and it's so true when you relate it to today's society.. well anyways.. the usual stuff in all my classes, i don't think i really need to discuss any of it.. my mommy came back from her conference today! =D yay! i've missed her, she's been gone too long. well at cheer hMm, what did we do.. we just practiced random routines and stuff.. nothing too special.. ofcourse nothing too special, and sinqie and i just practiced our jumps.. which were HORRiBLE! omgosh, it felt like i was doing those stupid things for the first freakin' time! ugh.. it was a wretched feeling! but ehh, it's okay, my legs just need to feel the sensation again.. hehe.. well afterwards i talked to some people for a bit, and then i was about to walk home, and then skarlet pulled over and dropped me off at home, which is good, cuz my legs were feeling too funny from doing those jumps that i haven't done in 871298719273 years.. i know i was thinking about something earlier today that i wanted to write down, but i totally forgot what it was.. maybe it was for the best that i forget cuz daym yesterdays blog was filled with some random ass stuff... did you guys really read all of that? probably not huh? haha.. hMm well when i got home, i just did some homework, and courtney came over my house, cuz her loser face got locked out of her house! haha wow this chick is really lazy, i'm surprised she walked all the way to my house, although she doesn't really live that far away from me, but she's a lazy ass! so i'm surprised she didn't just sit there waiting for someone to come along.. she said to she tried to break in... haha that didn't work.. so she was at my house for awhile, and we were just watching tv.. we watched Dr.Phil.. dude it was freaky there was this woman who was still breast feeding her freakin' 8 YEAR OLD!!! how nasty is that? and it sounded soooo very wrong when her 8 year old would lie down with her, and start like touching her mom's breast and be all, "it tastes good." *shivers* that was so very wrong.. i wanna watch some indiana jones! those movies are genius! pure genius! hMm.. let's see.. what to talk about..

am i bitter? i don't know if i am.. i think the way i talk sometimes and the way i act towards the male species, people are very surprised i have a boyfriend.. haha cuz i'm very anti- and grr about it.. hMm.. i dont' really know if i'm bitter or not.. i don't think i am, although it sure sounds like i am.. cinderella would be just a girl walking around with one shoe... haha i don't know where i come up with these things..

what's up with us always calling people in the entertainment business "fake.".. you know in reality, who are we to judge whether or not they are fake or not.. we don't know them personally.. i know i'm guilty of using the whole, "ugh, she's so fake!" thing.. cuz i guess it's just easier to assume that, than it is to be open-minded about the folks you see on tv, but i mean can you help them if they are going ot be "fake" cuz i mean we are so overly judgemental towards them.. we want them to fit a certain mold, and if they don't fit that mold we quickly reject them.. cuz i mean look we even reject what they give us, the "fake" attitude that we always assume they have, and probably if they are being real, and that's the person they really are, it wouldn't matter to us cuz it is hard to believe that they are being real.. and darn it, there are also fake people roaming around us, right next to us, so dude, who gives a daym if the people are fake on tv, there are people fake right next to you! okay that was the end of my thought.. so laters guys. crap was there dawson's creek today?! ugh i think i missed it.. GAY! someone fill me in with the dawson's creek details! i need me some wise dawson's creek words.. did i miss it though? my WB show schedules are all out of whack nowadays.. i don't know which show is when.. hMm what's up with me this week?! i don't know.. bye.

sidenote: i'm in the process of changing the layout to this thing.. i'm getting tired of this whole pink girly nonsense surrounding my words. i don't think they go very well together. and also.. CONGRATULATiONS HERM on being accepted to USC!

QUiZ! it's been awhile.

What Drink Are You?

if you can't agree, understand. if you can't understand, accept.
-- my binder reminder

so yeah i wasn't planning on blogging today but i just have too many random thoughts that i have to jot them down for you folks.. so yeah well hMm i guess since this is a daily blog type of object i'm gonna have to discuss my day first.. so yeah i went to class.. yep it's been 6 straight school days in a row i have attended ALL my classes! yep.. who's proud of me?! daym right! haha.. but anyways.. yeah so i did the usual stuff at school.. and i actually tried practicing cheer stuff today, didn't really work.. people didn't practice.. whatever melissa gave me a ride home.. i almost crapped in my pants when her ass got really close to the car in front of her.. wowie, that was a bit on the scary side! haha.. sorry bout freakin' out there mel! you were cutting it a bit close there buddy.. hahaha.. i literally like closed my eyes, and like tried to prepare myself for the impact.. crazy ass! but anyways after that came home, daym dude i walked into my daym elevator and someone laid a huge one in that thing! it smelled so bad! ugh, i mean atleast have the decency to fart BEFORE you get into the elevator! gosh.. farting in such closed quarters.. RUDE! went online, and yeah i've been online for a daym long time now.. yeah cuz i have no homework really.. it's a great feeling.. i did a lot of sleeping in school today.. it was a chill day in my classes.. watched The Crucible in my english class.. cuz we're reading the play.. gosh daym that Abby! she's a female dog! crazy ass manipulative whore! grr on her! but daym she's smart though the girl is holding it down.. did i just say that? sidenote: paula just said GLENDALE! hell yeah! REPRESENT! okay anyway moving on from that subject.. well yeah after being home all day and doing the one homework i had i just sat and talked online.. that was pretty much it.. and i was gonna go to jack's shindig at his house.. the boy is having like kickbacks 3 straight days in a row.. boy thinks he's cute and all getting wasted for 3 straight days.. i don't think i'd be able to handle that stuff, and this is gonna sound so elementary school, especially on a school night! what kinda crazy ass idea is that?! hMm.. yeah pretty freakin' crazy.. well actually i was really considering attending the event, just cuz i think i need to be getting my ass out of the house.. i'm getting too comfortable just sitting at home, that i think it's becoming unhealthy for me.. so yeah i was gonna go, but my lazy ass already got into my silk pajama pants, and my shirt, and took off my contacts and put on my glasses and what not, and i know daym well the minute i do that i don't wanna leave the house.. so yeah skarlet calls me, cuz i was supposed to go get a ride with her there, and then i just told her i got lazy.. i'm not trying to front and make up cute excuses.. i'm gonna say it how it is.. i'm daym lazy! well yeah and my dad brought some daym good food for me to eat, so i'm not about to leave all that food at the house for everyone else to eat but me, yeah he brought home some lasagna and some spaghetti from this italian place next to costco, and some zankou chicken! daym good stuff right there! so yeah too much good stuff around the house.. i think i'd rather stay home and eat all the good stuff, than leave my house to go to a kickback that just serves alcoholic beverages.. i don't know why, but that stuff doesn't really fill my appetite.. but anyways let's address some random ideas in my head today..

american idol: what the hell is wrong with this show?! it's a freakin' joke! where did all the talent go? what happened to folks like tamyra, kelly, justin, rj, and christina christian.. those were some rad ass people! i'm not saying these people can't sing, cuz they can, otherwise their asses would not be in that show.. but i mean the talent that has been on that show lately has not really wowed me.. it's been like okay great.. dude the singers up in HOJ wow me more than these folks do.. so yeah i think HOJ should be all up in american idol! but dang.. ashley hartman be some hot girl! too bad when she sings she sounds like she's holding her nose shut. i'm going to hell huh awesum2sum? randy said it right, she sounds like she's singing with helium all up in her voice.. she's a youngin'.. also i notice that simon doesn't say that many mean things to the big guys.. i guess he knows better than to make some rude ass remarks to people that can beat the crap out of him after the show.. except for the guy that was all "rockered out".. he was cool.. dang dude the host guy, i forgot his name, is all holding ashley's hand and stuff.. holler! shoot.. hello the girl is 17! R. Kelly wannabe! corey clark, has a good voice and all, but he does not have the sex appeal that justin guarini had.. just cuz he has the hair does not make him justin! too bad for him.. and he's trying to have the soft voice like justin when he talks.. ahh GO HOME! the guy in the marines is pretty good.. but umm what the heck is he doing on americna idol?! umm while his fellow compadres all training and getting ready for the dumb war that's supposedly coming and stuff.. being on high alert and what not.. he's all chillen' trying to be an american idol.. GO AMERiCA!/sarcasm okay that's enough commentary on that american idol stuff.. it's getting tiresome.. funny though with all the wretched things i have to say about this show.. i can't help but watch the stupid thing..

have you guys seen that show are you hot? or something like that, that's a sorry ass show! there's nothing to the concept.. are you hot? uhh.. are you stupid? what is american television coming to?! geez louise.. next subject at hand..

i didn't realize that coca-cola commercial starred moinca from friends and her husband.. that was cute.. gosh i'm a dumb ass for not realizing that they were the people in that commercial.. sometimes i am so surprised by my gayness.

again going back to american television what is up with that new show? married by america that is such a sad show?! you're actually gonna let yourself get married to a perfect stranger, thinking you're gonna find the love of your life?! uMm, yeah how about no... and the girl says all she meets is drunk losers.. YOU WORK AT A BAR! what do you expect to be finding? your prince or what?! hello.. again i say, you work at a bar! and umm you're going on national television telling people to choose your husband, you're gonna marry a complete stranger.. so who's the bigger loser, the guys you meet at the bar or uMm YOU?! that's a tough one.. or maybe it isn't...

did you guys see tamyra gray? on Boston Public.. dang dude.. she gives me crazy goosebumps when she sings.. she's crazy stuff! can someone please offer her a record contract?! please?! cuz she's really good.. i think it should have been justin and tamyra all up on that stage.. i'm not hating on kelly, cuz she's good and everything, but i don't know.. tamyra and justin seem much better for the music industry.. those two folks seem to have the ability to stay longer in the music business than kelly.. which is true cuz umm.. where's kelly now? doing some movie with justin.. ahh! omgosh, what the heck is this world coming to?! didn't i say i was gonna stop making commentaries on american idol stuff? yeah i know i said that, i guess i didn't mean it..

okay so on a serious note.. this blog long enough for you folks? in my history class this guy sits in back of me.. and he used to write me all these like crazy love letters.. haha hilarious really.. like i remember being at washington D.C. for a total of 4 days, and i come back and he tells me he wrote me a letter for each day i was gone.. and i was like okay, and i come back and he hands me like 12 freakin' letters.. i don't think i was gone for 12 days.. hMm.. yeah crazy ass.. and again i heard the whole, "you're so special to me katrina. you're different from the rest of them katrina." speech, and now, his ass doesn't even talk to me.. and again the whole.. "katrina who?!" concept begins.. hMm... those two things are like polar opposites from each other, yet they go hand in hand.. it really is funny how you can be this supposed big ass effect on a person, and how this person supposedly cannot handle life without you, yet the minute you do something that they do not approve of, it's like.. laters, and they forget about you.. good stuff mayn! really. and people wonder why i don't believe in the fairy tales and what not. cuz those things are made only for storybooks and television.. if they were made for real life and what not, they wouldn't call them fairy tales.. hMm.. it's nice to believe that cinderella really gets her prince, but if you put that situation in real life, cinderella wouldn't get her prince, the prince would have moved on already, and he wouldn't waste his time trying to find a girl using a shoe.. cuz heck, he has a whole kingdom to choose from, and all the girls want him, he's a guy.. he wouldn't waste his time looking for the right one, cuz the right one is the convenient one, and cinderella did not make it very convenient for him.. and i mean what the heck is the whole concept of that thing anyway? so what, if she was a mere maid and stuff the prince wouldn't have loved her? she has to be all dolled up for the prince to notice her?! BS! why try to be something you're not? cuz cinderella was not a princess... she was a simple girl.. she was trying to be something she was not at the ball.. really i'm not bitter. i'm merely stating truth..

did you guys get this far down to read all my crap? i'm sorry for the long ass entry.. i had a lot on my mind.. random things though huh? random entry or what.. it would suck if this entry suddenly got deleted.. that would be a slap in the face huh? gosh it has happened to me before.. dumb ass blogger.. not interested in joining that xanga and livejournal stuff though.. i'm comfortable with this blogger.. i gotta stop talking.. so bye. SMALLViLLE iS WAiTiNG!

last thing:
TRiSHELLE NEEDS TO GO HOME! she's already screwed all of lasvegas! GO HOME!

When it comes down to it, we all just want to be loved.
-- someone

well today was an okay day.. got a late start in the morning, but i wasn't late.. Ooh Hoover was on channel 7 news this afternoon.. they did a feature on the tardy sweeps.. gosh why would they do a story on that?! whatever, go figure news nowadays.. there's so many good things in this world that you can be doing a feature on, but no, they do a feature on Hoover's tardy sweeps.. and they say that the tardies are less.. but uMm has Hoover looked at it's attendance.. i bet money that the attendance is worse! cuz instead of being tardy, and having to go through all the punishments, people just decide it's better to be truant than be tardy! gayness! but anyways.. gosh i haven't been to school on monday in such a long time, and not just cuz of the holidays and stuff being on mondays, but i honestly haven't been to school on mondays. hehe i know that's bad.. and i really have to stay in school, since my car i getting fixed, i have no choice but to stay in school.. haha i'm kidding.. school is alrite.. so it's not too bad.. it's actually more boring to stay at home.. and i wouldn't drive too much since gas prices are so freakin' bad! well ayways.. anything interseting today.. uMm.. well i didn't practice today.. everyone else did, but not me, yeah umm "i didn't have clothes.." or so i say! hahaha yelena YOU DONT' HAVE CLOTHES FOR ME! haha.. sorry wasn't feeling like doing stuff i already know how to do.. stretches and what not. thanks i'll pass.. so i sat at practice chit chatted with some folks, and did homework.. yep.. i've ben on top of those things.. cuz i haven't wanted to take homework home, so i try my best to do all that stuff at school and stuff... well, hMm.. i came home.. and i was about to start on my chem lab, but then i fell asleep and i woke up at like 7:30.. yeah that wasn't very interesting..

ooh, darn i was gonna talk about something, and i completely forgot about and stuff... oh i remeber now.. joe millionaire dude and zora is so cute! =D really i think they'r so cute.. i hope they last, i wanna believe in them.. cuz it woud be a really cute fairty tale type thing.. but too bad, fairy tales dont' exist.. fairy tales are only sweet cuz they don't exist in real life.. they only exist in tv and stuff, if they existed in real life, it wouldn't be so sweet.. it would just be "normal stuff" hMm.. am i cynical or what? yeah i wanna believe in fairy tales and happy endings...

okay i'm gonna talk more later.. but as of right now i'm tired.. and i'm gonna go.. byee!

A DAWSON'S CREEK MOMENT

i found this quote at a website, cuz i'm just looking through some stuff, being bored online, and my awesum2sum mentioned some dawson's creek stuff to me, and i decided to do some research on my own.. so this is what i found so far.. and i found it cute.. so yeah that's it.. byee.. maybe i'll have more from dawson's creek..


Dawson : All I’ve been thinking about lately is how much I want to take back our first kiss. How much I would pay to just let you climb through that window. I mean, who knows what would have happened, I mean maybe we’d still be best friends, maybe you’d still have a thing for me. I just know that I wouldn’t be hurting like this. But then I think about, everything that kiss brought into my life. What it was like to look at you and know not just what you were thinking but what you were feeling because I was feeling the same thing. And then it’s all worth it. It’s worth all the pain that I’m going through. I want to regret kissing you Joey, but I can’t. It was the smartest decision I ever made.
Joey : Dawson, the 2 times I fell in love… on the test… They were both you. I mean the first time I fell was for my friend, the Dawson I grew up with, the boy across the creek, and the second time was after we kissed. I mean you became this whole new person to me, and I fell in love all over again. I mean, just because we’re not together anymore does not change my feelings for you, Dawson. It’s me I’m unsure of.