Maybe when I'm done with thinking,
Maybe you can think me whole.
Maybe when I'm done with endings
This can begin, this can begin
This can begin.
-- something corporate; "punk rock princess"

happy thanksgiving! so hmm the days are getting better... and smiling doesn't feel too bad anymore. which is a good thing. for a while there smiling just didn't feel right. well hmm.. thanksgiving just gives you this sense of appreciation.. appreciation for what you have, and being thankful for the things you have. i mean duh it isn't called THANKSgiving for nothing. last night was a time well spent with friends. it really was =) i enjoyed last night very much. so charles, freda, and ceej came to my house at like 11.30pm, and we all just chilled and talked.. and things got a "serious" =) we talked about anything and everything, and asked some really good questions and we came up with really good answers! =) and then i shared some drinks, just a taste though guys. i had a really good night last night! thanks guys! so after an interesting talk we watched the last half hour of kate&leopold, and then they left at around 3:30am. and then i cleaned my room up for a bit, hung out in my room for a bit and was just thinking for a little bit, then charles called me to make sure he was home safe and sound then i went to bed.

since it is thanksgiving and all i would like to say some thanks for the following:
1. my mom: for teaching me patience and to think before i act.
2. my dad: for teaching me compassion and sympathy.
3. my sister: for always testing my patience.
4. juicy: for being my bestfriend for 10years now.
5. nashie: for being annoying! =) and for knowing when to take care of me.
6. wesley snipes: for always listening to me and allowing me to vent out my emotions on you.
7. henrison: for sharing my first experience at love with me.
8. fredalynn: for all the constant talks... for allowing me to grow through her words.
9. charles: for being my bestfriend and for being there for me even though it hurts you sometimes.
10. ceej: for the belly! ; ) and for allowing me to witness your growth as a person.
11. yelena: for allowing me to influence you haha, and for influencing me in many ways.
12. xuan: for the inside jokes and the laughs.
13. rusty: for seeing me for what i am, and not running away from it.
14. varsity cheer: for always allowing me to see that a lot of things are possible.
15. jv cheer: for the constant appreciation i feel from you guys.
16. nick: for making so many exceptions for me, and ofcourse for being a pain in the ass! =)
17. aunts&uncles: for being like another set of parents for me, and for being the mom and dad those times i didn't have one.
18. carlos: for showing me everyday how Christ lives in you.
19. HOJ: for the support and lessons that i learned from you guys that constantly keep me functioning everyday.
20. ex relations: for teaching me what i deserve and don't deserve when it comes to relationships.

now for the superficial crap i'm thankful for:
my car!!!!, food!, Hollister & Co., abercrombie, my cell phone, my YELLOW pants ; )! haha, socks, chucks!, hair ties, OSCY! (my teddy bear), books!, my big bed, my bands!!!!, disneyland, funnel cake, frozen lemonade, chocolate chip ice cream, contact lenses, glasses, lip gloss!, my computer even though it sucks, and a lot of other things.. those are just the ones that are just on the top of my head...

so with that.. happy eating! and be daym thankful for the crap you have good or bad cuz i mean if it's already bad you're not making it any worse by not being thankful for it! see ya later.

day 2 of crying my eyes out.

i'm an emotional roller coaster. one minute i think i'll be okay, and the next minute i feel like i'll never be okay with what happened. it's like one minute i'll be sitting in front of the tv eating sour belts, ferrero rocher, and starbusts and laughing to i love lucy. then the very next minute i'm lying on my bed hugging tightly to my bear crying my eyes out. i didn't go to school today for the fact that i just didn't want to see anyone's faces and be reminded of things, cuz i know everywhere i turn i will manage in some shape or form to think of him. the mere mention of his name brings me to the brink of tears. i realize little by little the importance this person had on my life... i mean he saw me when no one else really did. when i was this 14 year old girl that just wanted to get along with my sister and her friends, he was the one that really sat there, talked to me, and acknowledged me as a person. when everyone else just pushed me aside, he set me aside and looked at me eye to eye, and for once i felt like i belonged somewhere within that group. a 14 year old girl and an 18 year old boy... who would of thought that an 18 year old boy would take any notice to a 14 year old girl? i remember when he called one night and i heard his voice, and i figure he wanted to talk to my sister, but she was busy, and then he said, "what about you? i can talk to you right?" and we wound up talking for hours on the phone that night, and other nights after that. he talked to me about everything he could.. his girl problems, his friend problems, his family problems, and any other thing that might have been on his mind. he trusted me with all of this, even though i was only 14 years old. he trusted me and he listened to what i had to say, and he made me feel for one of the first times in my life that what i had to say mattered, especially since it mattered to someone 4 years older than me. he stayed at my house days at a time before he left for the army, and i recall one night when i was up he knocked on my bedroom door asking if he can watch some tv in my room for a bit and talk.. and we were lying down and talking in my room, and i remember being half asleep half awake, and feeling him pull the covers up on me before he left my room... then i woke up that next morning, and i found a letter on my bed from him. i recall him calling me "paula" in the most fobbish way possible, just like how my family would say it.. and i'd do the same to his middle name "allan", although mine proved to be less successful. so many other things between me and you that i can't mention on here, so many little things that mean so many big things. he saw me when i was invisible.

i didn't hear any news about what happened to rel, and when i finally did i completely broke down. seeing his name under some news report just, god it hurt. i'm so angry that he didn't pass away in some magnificently peaceful manner, which i know is impossible for me to ask for... but im' angry that it sounds as bad it does. i don't like picturing him suffering.. his last minutes spent not being one that was peaceful... i hate it. i hate the thought of it, and i hate thinking it, but i have a feeling it's going to be a thought that will haunt me for awhile. gosh he deserved better than that, anyone deserves better than that. i hate this. i don't know how long this is supposed to hurt, and i know when i'll be okay with what happened to him.. but i will be, maybe not soon.. but i will be. it's good to know that i can care so much... even through him no longer being present he's still making me realize things.

rel allen ravago was destined for great things. it's apparent now that he was too great for us to experience any longer, so he was taken somewhere just as great as he is.

you are loved and you are missed. thank you for blessing us with your presence, touching our hearts, being the sunshine to our dark days.

it's 12:25am and i'm upset. upset that i sat up trying to look for stuff on the news about what happened in iraq and there was practically NOTHiNG on the news about it. instead the news is filled with junk about micheal jackson and the freakin' molestation charges and kobe bryant's cheating ass! i seriously don't give a flying [insert profain language here]! cuz i'm upset! since when did all these things become more important than what's going on to the soldier in Iraq? a friend of mine died today and i was just attempting to find some answers, attempting to figure out what the heck happened, and i was provided with no gosh damn answers! i don't know anything to what might have happened to him but i know everything there is to know about micheal "freakin' i'm a molestor" jackson and kobe "i cheated on my wife but i love her so much let me just put a tattoo on my arm so i can prove to her my love" bryant... i'm upset that stupid crap like that gets all this coverage on the news... some guy put it perfectly when i was flipping through channels trying to find some news coverage on the iraq situation and instead they were covering jackson's case, "i honestly don't care, shouldn't we be more concerned about what's going on in iraq." uhh DUH! i'm just upset and stupafied that there was nothing on the news about the soldiers dying, and if there it's like, "so soldiers died in iraq." and that's that, and then micheal jackson for about 20 mother freakin' minutes! ugh! maybe i'm just frustrated.. frustrated at the fact that i don't know what happened to my friend. i just wanted some answers... and i wanted to know how it happened and if he suffered too much. i hope to GOD he did not suffer too much. i'm tired of crying for the night. i'm gonna go. just felt like letting off some steam. can we please continue praying for the soldiers that are overseas, because sometimes i feel like the news treats what they're doing as nothing. i mean there is all this talk about they're doing good there they're doing so and so there, they're progressing.. well then if so why can't you send the soldiers back home already. and i'm talking home to their families. people are taking this iraq business too lightly, even i was guilty of it. just because it's not all over the news anymore doesn't mean that there isn't anything going on in that side of the world. prayers are still needed.


<3 i love you rel. <3 i love you rel. <3
at first i was sad for the fact that he didn't get to go home for the holidays like he wanted to, but then i came to a realization that he did go home. to the best home there is. he's home for the holidays, finally.praise God.

even through realizing this, you just can't help but cry.
the tears help somewhat.



RIP private rel ravago <3