dear june 17,2004,
thank you for being a great day!
<3 always, katrina

you know what's weird? i was so stressed prior to leaving highschool, thinking i had to do this and that and that and this.. and then after graduation was over.. i was over come with a sense of relief. like a huge weight has just been lifted from my shoulders, and only NOW do i feel on task. for the past couple of weeks i've been a wreck. unsure of what to do, unsure of how to handle things.. just unsure of practically everything and anything that came across my path, but for some reason with college coming up i don't seem so unsure anymore. i feel like i've been given this clean slate and i can do whatever i want with it. i think that's why i feel so relieved, cuz i was given a clean slate.. and i really truly needed one. clean slate = new opportunities. i can't wait! COLLEGE iS GOiNG TO BE GREAT! i can feel it in my bones. with highschool i totally kicked back with everything. being an over achiever 95.5% of my life i finally decided during my sophomore year that i would not stay up late at night doing homework anymore.. that along with other reasons i decided to let loose on the school work, although i still did have those nights of staying up late finishing up some stuff, but that was only because of my own doing. so i took a break for a good 3 years.. didn't reach my optimum best, but did enough. college is a whole different story. time to put the nerd suit back on! =) i'm happy i did take that 3 year break from being the over achiever me, because now it makes me feel more ready for college and whatever it has ahead of me. i feel so rejuvenated and fresh and i feel SOOOO ready for college. =) i'm ready for pulling the allnighters! i'm ready to write the 12791287 page essays. i'm ready to deal with college professors. i'm ready to deal with study sessions. i'm ready to deal with the readings. i'm just ready to deal. today i got a lot accomplished. i went to College of the Canyons today and took my placement test. i didn't do half bad, and i just walked around the campus and i think i had the biggest smile on my face sometimes. what a freshman! haha i remember as a highschool freshman walking around with a smile on your face sometimes so happy that you're someplace new. that's how it was today. =) it felt good to be on campus. it felt good to walk around feeling like you're getting your crap done. it felt good to feel like you're headed someplace. it especially feels good to know that you're doing it all on your own. despite what certain people believe i love knowing the fact that i'm getting somewhere in my life. i love having confidence in my future. gosh it feels so daym good! i'm really genuinely happy today, and i haven't been for awhile.

tonight is my grad night. i didn't plan on going, because of insufficient funds, but my GREAT friends paid for my ass to go cuz they wanted me there. =) see i told you i have great friends! the thought of my friends kindness always makes my heart turn to mush. i think that's just a sensitive part of me, because i honestly haven't felt the care that my friends give me. the things my friends do for me are amazing, it just reflects all my friends AMAZiNG personalities. =) they have all ben so extremely thoughtful and considerate of me, and all in all they just make me feel loved. =) gosh to those who are reading this, and you know i'm talking about you guys, thank you guys so much. you guys really keep me going. it's not even the love that you guys have for me that keeps me going, but it's the love that i have for you guys. that keeps me going, and thank you guys for giving me far more credit than what i deserve sometimes. thank you for acknowleding not only my good points, but my bad points and even through noticing that continuing to be there for me and love me. thank you guys so much. you have no idea how you guys affect my life tremendously. GOD has truly blessed me with a wonderful support system. =)

<3katrina

sometimes goodbyes are necessary...
-- me

i haven't blogged.. oh well. i have a lot on my mind though, which means the more reason to blog right? probably not. but let me ramble on in this one because i need to ramble onto something..

lately i've been feeling like i'm being backed into a corner each and everyday. trying to figure out how to get out of that corner on my own is just becoming so difficult. the solution, reach out to those on the outside trying to help me out. i have this tendancy to just not seek for help even if i really need it. i don't know why. i guess i've just taught myself not to depend on other people, because well i depended on my family and in the end i was let down. i guess i figure if i can't depend on family, then who the heck can i depend on?! but i really do have great friends that are really helping me through my internal struggles although a lot of them don't even know what's going on. their efforts to reach out to me, no matter how stubborn i am to reach back, is very commendable and the effort in itself already helps a lot.

one other thing i decided was that i need to turn to GOD more in my life. i'm not one to say i strayed away, but basically i just need to go back to my roots. i have never felt like i "lost GOD" or i am going through a "desert". i KNOW GOD is in my life, constantly working through me... but sometimes i fail to acknowledge that He is there.. and that i need to take advantage of the fact that He is around. i do things on my own so much, that i've even forgotten that GOD can help too, and that GOD is an excellent listener. Today was the first time in a long time i talked to GOD on my drive home. i used to do that quite often. it felt really good and it felt somewhat comforting. i was given a reassurance that through it all, i will get through this as i always have gotten through things i have gone through. GOD is excellent and i'm glad i have Him. =)

school is over but i have complete confidence that i will keep in touch with those who matter to me, and those who are my REAL friends. you know what they say you know who your REAL friends are after highschool, because they're the ones that stayed around after highschool. yay to my real friends, and yay to knowing who they are! you guys should know who you guys are. again i say i'm blessed with such great friends. i think that's what GOD blessed me with. He might have given me a screwed up family, but He made up for it by giving me an excellent group of friends. i love you guys. i love my friends for caring so much about my well being. i love my friends for being more stubborn than me when they need to be. i love my friends for reminding me all the things i need to take care of, when i choose to ignore certain things. i love my friends for worrying about my well-being. all in all i just love my friends!

i chose not to go to grad night. bummer i know. i was really looking forward to that all year, but i decided to pass on it. i just have too many things to take care of, that i really can't afford the luxury of grad night. go figure me actually obtaining a job, and i feel more broke then i did when i didn't have one. i guess it's the feeling that i own my own money now, and it just wouldn't be right to ask my mom for money anymore. i should have never gotten that job. haha jk. my boss told me today that i should be moving up to being an Expo in a couple of months. i'm excited,cuz Expos get tips. =) yay!

that's all for me for right now. congrats to all those who already graduated.