sometimes we lose sight of the little things trying to concentrate on the big things, but in the process you lose sight of EVERYthing.
-- me

i'm at my uncle's house.. getting some down time waiting for the momster to get here so we can head home.. and i decided to blog cuz i have a lot on my mind. i find myself writing on pieces of paper my random thoughts and ideas just to be able to express them. i have a bunch of loose paper gathering in my backpack due to these thoughts of mine that just keep going. my train of thought began with a quarter.. i don't know.. so bare with my random thoughts cuz they're gonna be some random stuff...

so i was holding the quarter in my hand. and i realized i never really took the time to appreciate what the heck i was holding in my hand. i bet nobody really looks at a quarter and thinks about it, i mean who the heck would do that besides a freak (me). so anyways.. i'm holding it during history class cuz i didn't wanna pay attention to my teacher talk redundantly about the same thing over and over, knowing that the crap he says has nothing to do with the test anyway.. and i look at the year on my quarter one said 1988 and the other 1970. and i'm thinking wow i was only 3 years old when this was made, and i wasn't even born when this one was made. and for some odd reason i was overcome with amazement. i literally sat there thinking i was holding onto a little piece of the past. i was holding onto something that existed even before me. i don't know why, but for some odd reason i found that fact quite amazing. maybe i was just really bored and easily amused that's how i came up with the idea, but for some reason i sat just in complete awe at something like a quarter. weird huh?! but whatever it was, i appreciated the fact that that thought came into mind. cuz i had a lot of stuff on my mind that i needed to get away from for awhile, and that little tiny quarter just did it for me. and when i sat there looking at the quarter i realized if i didn't sit there this one thing, how many things in this world have i just sat and ignored? i bet there are a lot of things in this world, once i take the time to notice them would amaze me. but we always act as if we dont' have any time at all. how can we not take the time to see the good things in life? when i mean good things, i mean how the grass is such a vibrant green, and how the sky no matter how much you say looks the same the next day, it isn't the same. we act so busy all the time, but when in reality i don't think we really are. i think sometimes we're scared to just sit down for awhile and take time ourselves, cuz we're so scared of what we might think of, so we keep moving, and we keep busy, to stay away from our ownselves. cuz we are our worse critics.

also... right now my heart and body are so exhausted. not at the world, but at one particular issue in my life.. my mind wants to keep pushing for a better thing, but yet my heart and body really can't take anymore of it. so what am i supposed to? i feel like i walk into a brick wall when it comes to this... the same thing over and over is always happening. i don't know why i allow myself to struggle so much in this, all i did know was that i wanted it, but now even my want has grown tired... i dont' wanna reach out a hand anymore only to come back empty handed, cuz everytime it happens i get hurt. i don't wanna keep hurting myself. it's the same story over and over and over. i can't be in this on my own, do you understand? i can't. the ball is in your court. you tell me what to do, you decide what to do, cuz honestly i have ran out of ideas. every method i have tried has not worked, so maybe i've been going about this all wrong. maybe pushing you to talk to me isn't the way to go. if that's not the way to go, then you tell me how to resolve this issue. i want a resolution. i just don't have one. i tried to provide the answers, i tried being patience, i tried being persistent, i tried being understanding, i tried anything i can think of, but none of my ideas have worked. it's your turn to come up with something. and please tell me you do, cuz i only have one solution left, and i'm not ready to come that solution.

missing you.