There's something special 'bout you
I must really like you
'Cause not a lot of guys are worth my time
Ooh baby, baby, baby
It's getting kinda crazy
'Cause you are taking over my mind
-- Mya; "fallen"

current eargasm: thursday - "cross out the eyes"

woo hoo today was a daym good day. you know why? cuz i just chilled at home and did absolutely nothing! well okay i didn't do absolutely nothing... but i didn't go to school and it felt daym good to just relax at home. so i woke up at around 10ish so i can get up and watch some dawson's creek. felt good to be reunited with "the gang" haha and yes i am referring to dawson's creek. but seriously everytime i watch that show i fall in love.. with who exactly i have no freakin' clue.. but whatever. so after i watched some dawson's creek i baked some brownies.. haha it's what i do when i'm bored. i bake. haha well after awhile of lounging around the house in my jammies i decided i won't be a bum for long and i headed over to the gym. my arms were still really sore from working out 2 days ago.. and i took a break yesterday for my muscles to rest so i figured i could work out today.. but WOW my arms were SOO very sore afterwards and they still are right now. mighty proud of myself cuz i ran my usual mile and a half plus i jogged another half a mile.. so that's 2 whole miles! well after my tiring ass work out i just came home and chilled. did nothing for the rest of the day.. although today was completely un-productive i still had a really good day... i think it's cuz my work out felt freakin' awesome! see how a good work out can make your day so bright! =D! i have 12039109238 tests tomorrow. =/ what a freakin' sad trip. and yet i sit here thinking i'm cute cuz i haven't studied for any of them.. and i forgot my Econ notebook in my locker so i can't even study even if i wanted to. oh well... ooh i made 2 pots in my ceramics class so far! AWESOME! i'm so proud of myself. i owned that potter wheel's life! alrite i think i'm gone.. this entry was not mentally stimulatiing at all.. oh freakin' well.

And what do I care to get me through these sleepless nights
And what do I have to hold when no one?s there to hold me tight
And what do I see the only thing that gets me through this is what I feel and I feel you
-- 3 Doors Down; "i feel you"

today was a cool day i guess. we're throwing on the wheel today in ceramics class, but i hate that bastard of a contraption cuz it's my worse enemy! i can't handle the spinning thing.. well actually maybe i can handle it now cuz you know i have been working out *flexes* haha. i'm such a dork. well anywho today was a regular school day.. nothing interesting happend at school.. well i think. people made me feel pretty today. =) it was nice. armenian boys can make you feel pretty in the most absurd ways. haha. people saw me for the first time without my braces... people made me feel more comfortable with the fact that i don't have them on anymore cuz i was feeling sort of ehh about it. but now i'm starting to get the hang of this not having braces thing.. my mouth feels all smushy though. well anyways.. after school yelena and i just went to the gym and worked our asses out. good work out and good talks while stretching. mine and yelena's work outs aren't only good for the body but it's also good for the mind. well anyways, afterwards i just went to my dad's house for a bit and chilled there then went to karl's house and hung out there for a bit. came home to NO FOOD! i was sad trippin' cuz i was starved.. conjured up something to eat AKA cup-o-noodles. i remember when i was a kid and stuff and my mom never used to cook i would live off of this stuff. i believe that's how it's going to be for college as well.. well anyways, so here i am home typing away.. and me and the awesums2um had a very brief online convo about something hilarious! too bad i can't share! but wow.. all i gotta say is *smile* hahahahhahahahaha! now i know you know what i'm talking about!

with that i am going to say, i love boys. hahaha i love boys for the reason that they give me a reason to laugh, because of their stupidity i have reasons to seriously LOL! so for the reason that boys are fools, i love them! hahaha! oh mayn i just don't know what to do with boys sometimes. thanks for the laughter boys. it's greatly appreciated.

also i would like to point out.. please don't flatter yourself. i DON'T believe you liked me, cuz how can you like me if you didn't/don't even know me. ooooh boy.

subect: i can be mushy!

this poem was sweet, and this is a rare instance of me feeling sweet so i felt like sharing it with the rest of who ever reads my crap. (credit to angela for the poem)

Love Like
by Shihan

I want a love like me
thinking of you
thinking of me
thinking of you type love,
or me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love,
or hating how jealous you are,
but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you,
and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls
asleep
then wonder if she dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what she's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the
music of our hearts,
closing my eyes and imagining how a love like this could just hurt so much when she's not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type love
then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about her type love.
Hope that I make her feel as good as she makes me feel,
I want her to distract me form whatever I'm doing type love
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.
Only difference is
this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the phone with her not saying anything,
then fall asleep
then wake up with HER right next to me,
and smell her all up in my covers type love

I want to try to counting the ways I love her, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again type love
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just
cause it makes her happy type love.
And I want ot break down the time we spend together into seconds just so it sounds lilke we spend more time together type love
And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when her number is dialed into it type loves
and then talk to her until I lose my breathe,
she leaves me breathless,
but with the expanding of my lungs
I
inhale all of her back into me
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer

because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves.
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love her as long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and trim my mustache, but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.

And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this
I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car
just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country
just to get treated
then somehow meet up again with you
so that I could fall in love with you in a different language to see if it still feels the same type love.

I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is,
but I'm married,
so she is going to be the one that I share this love with....


--
that's a nice sounding kind of love.

... woman on a pedastal, that quality that is worshipped, that gaga quality. i know, ofcourse, that the problem with that role is how easilyyou can be knocked off that pedastal...
-- Elizabeth Wurtzel; Bitch

sitting at home alone. i swear everytime i freakin' wake up no one is ever home. woe is me. well not really i don't mind the down time. well the weekend was pretty chill. won't go into too much detail so here it is:

friday:
- school
- hung out with karl
- went to a party
- left party pretty early
- went to robert's and chilled it there with yelena
- slept, went home at around 5ish in the morning.

saturday:
- woke up, did some work at home.
- went to the dentist.
- dentist drilled and half my cheek was numb.
- got my braces off. =D was very shocked to see the outcome. i don't really like it, but maybe i'm just not used to it. but WHATEVER.
- hung out with karl and helped him babysit.
- picked up fredalynn
- went to robert's..
- went to n. hollywood party instead of butt effing egypt party that was at phillips ranch.. daym good thing we didn't make the trip cuz by the time we got there the party would have been raided. PHEW! good gas saving adventure that was.
- a whole lot of people at this n. hollywood party.. could barely move. sad trip. but it was cool gangster fight afterwards..
- went to el tap with some friends ate 2 tacos and half of a burrito.. was nice and gave the rest to robert since he fell inlove with it.
- went to norm's with AWESUM2SUM for some breakfast and catch up convo. very good. how convenient for us to constantly get stuck in these situations. no ESTABLiSHMENT..
- came home at around 4am. knocked the hell out.

today i just woke up and folded stuff for my mommy's company. getting paid good money every weekend to sit down in front of the tv and fold shirts.. so that's cool. didn't do much today. EXTREMELY tired. i think coming home at 4am-5am for the weekend tires me out. hmm.. what do you think? yeah that probably plays into the reason why i'm so tired right now. a lot on my mind right now.. thinkin' mode. i always get myself in a lot of trouble when i'm in this mode. but oh well.. what have i been thinking?!

hmm i hate being put on that pedastal. you know.. that pedastal that boys just place you on making you seem like you're some amazing being that they just can't help but fall for. i for one am not the type to play into it. i've been in that position far too many times to sit there believe in what they say then the next thing you know the pedastal that i'm standing on is suddenly snatched away and all of a sudden i have no foundation to stand on. i've been through that situation far too many times that i just know better already. so here's this boy right.. he sits there and says all this crap how i'm different and how there's something about me.. you know the usual BS crap that boys say to try and make a girl feel special, and i sit here and nod my head.. and ofcourse now he is crushing on someone else and probably saying the same things he's saying to me to that girl. i honestly don't mind. i knew this was coming.. i KNEW it. fudge i foretold it.. i was just waiting for it to come along.. i guess sometimes i wish i wasn't so right all the time. it's true about that quote. that pedastal you're on feels nice at first, but don't let the feeling get the best of you cuz honestly that pedastal is EASiLY taken away.. just as EASiLY it was for you to be placed on it. boys are fools. i don't blame boys for falling so hard so fast.. i don't blame them at all.. but i do think they are fools for doing so. girls are fools too though. boys and girls are both fools to certain things. i refuse to be a fool to the typical things girls are fools for. the sweet words and all that junk that boys do.. does NOT affect me one bit. i have trained myself to know better than to sit here and play into what they say. does that have it's drawbacks? ofcourse it does.. sometimes i catch myself sincerely feeling interested about someone, but i'm afraid to really sit there and allow myself to really feel for them cuz i feel like i don't want to be a victim to what they're saying. yes a ViCTiM i fully realize that i'm a difficult girl to handle sometimes, but this doesn't come by choice. i'm difficult for a reason. i'm difficult because i've been broken, and i refuse to be anymore broken than i am. sad trip is i probably have/will lose a lot of opportunities with someone cuz i sit here and doubt everything that comes out of a boy's mouth. that after awhile he will feel fed up with me and just give up on me, and i will sit here with all these bottled up emotions inside and they never had the chance to come out cuz they didn't have the patience for it to come out. i'm not saying it's the boys fault for not having the patience, cuz it takes awhile to fix me. i guess i need a boy to stick around long enough for me to come around. i haven't had a boy stick around long enough to find out what i could be and what my potential in the girlfriend department long enough to be.. which i understand. to any boy that approaches me and i start talking to in no way am i expecting them to stick it out. i walk into the "relationship" knowing that he will probably give up on it before i get the chance to really even get started on giving it a chance. that's fine with me, cuz i fully understand it. cuz what if.. emphasis on the IF i come across some guy that is actually being truthful to me.. then my natural defense will be not to believe him. oh crap did i just admit more than i wanted to. is not believing a boy my natural defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt? umm.. yes most likely.. that probably is mine, but people have their own defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt. mine is to believe they are only lying, which i mean isn't really far from the truth.. and others could be running away from it. sometimes i want to be a fool. i want to sit here and be a complete and utter fool to the sweet things because it would be VERY nice to think that the nice things boys say to me are actually true, but i gotta face the facts and reality that it isn't. hmm.. that's about it for me. i'm telling you thinking is dangerous.